Career or Commitment…Can I have BOTH?

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Am I where I want to be in life?  Do I have myself together?  Can I really settle down and make her the one if I don’t know my own direction?  These are the things that run through a man’s mind as we get closer to embarking on that journey to 30.  But for a lot of women, by this age you already have yourselves a little more established, the wedding bells are ringing, and all the goo goo’s and gaga’s are giving you baby fever.  So for men this is what we struggle with; do we focus on the career, the commitment, or can we have both?  I am not here to discourage women and say that you can’t have what you want, but I am here to give you some insight as to what goes on in a man’s mind at this age.  In order to coexist with the opposite sex you must respect their differences.  This doesn’t mean that you have to conform to their ways but you need to respect their outlook on life whether you agree or disagree with it.  We men have the same goals as women (career, wedding, and a family) however our timing can be a little off compared to yours.

 

Not to go too far back in age, but let’s talk about the process of going to college.  Most women that go to college already know what they want to major in, why they are choosing that major, and probably already have a job title in mind.  When a man goes to college he’s usually undecided on his major in the beginning, changes his major at least once during that 4 year term, and unsure of what kind of job that major may land him. More than anything, during our college experience we party, meet girls, all while getting an education in the process.  So as you can see the end goal is the same as women, however we are a little all over the place during the process, but that is our way of finding ourselves.  This applies to how men weigh their options/make decisions when we hit that middle age mark.  This is not an excuse to prolong a relationship or even marriage but it plays a role in us being hesitant to making those decisions while children and marriage is a no brainer to women.  There is no right or wrong way to making these decisions, but it is important that men and women both understand that we are different and in building any type of relationship there has to be some sort of compromise.  In a lot of cases there aren’t any compromises and women put the pressure on to move forward with life rather than trying to truly understand the man’s concern.  There’s nothing wrong with a little pressure, but it’s important that you make sure it’s for the right reason.  So I think it’s important that you understand our position on why our career is so important to us and how it plays a part in our thoughts as far as commitment:

 

  1. Having a career makes us feel important-Trust me ladies, we know more than you think we know that most women don’t want a broke man. I know a lot of women who don’t care about how much you make as long as you are out here making some money and being able to contribute on bills, but having a career/job puts us on the most eligible bachelor list for that dream woman we are always looking for. Without a stable or promising career/job she is not even accessible to us. How can we truly pursue her but we can’t take her on a date? Every woman deserves to be courted the right way, not this new era of text and then smash way. That career provides us with the opportunity to become the best version of a man, not just for ourselves but for you.

 

  1. Being a provider to our current or future family is a main priority– Everyone knows that the man is supposed to be the provider and whether you believe it or not every man strives to be that at some point of their life. I think a lot of people took the concept of providing a little out of hand by thinking the man should provide so that the woman can stay at home. Yes it is a form of providing but it’s not the only form of providing. I am a firm believer in letting women work if they want to because I understand in our current society everyone likes to have their own. One meaning of being a provider is to give your family options because a man doesn’t feel that he is providing when options are limited. To explain this more in depth a lot of men think that providing his wife or significant other with the option to work or not work is being a provider. Another example is if the family is outgrowing the current house they are staying in, providing is giving them the option to get a bigger house. I’m sure by now you all get the point…

 

  1. We don’t want to be that man living off of his woman– Yep, I said it and it’s the TRUTH. Every man has a little bit of pride in him and it can be deflating to a man to be in a house where his woman is able to provide more than he is. Now I know we have this new generation of men that like to use women and have their woman buy them all these expensive things and they give her nothing in return. That’s a sorry excuse for a man in my opinion. Where are your morals and values?  The only time you should be living off of a woman is when you are being raised by your mom as a child and even that has a time limit. Now I know there are a lot of women that don’t mind helping their man and being the sole provider for the family and that’s great.  I commend the women that choose to do that, but all help is not good help. What is that teaching your man?  I don’t believe that’s teaching him to be the best man he can be because your help could possibly be crippling him from becoming the man you always dreamed of. If a woman is the sole provider it shouldn’t stay like that forever. I think it should change over time, meaning that the man should be on his grind for his family. I know many of you may not agree but it’s just my opinion because I hold all men to a higher standard and you should as well.  Trust that it will only benefit greatly in the end.

 

  1. A dream job completes us– Men are very simple when it comes to life. We want that dream job, great wife, and children. With all those things we want to be able to provide them with not only their needs but their wants as well. Your dream job makes you jump out of bed with excitement ready to take on the world. This job is where we make a name for ourselves by the accomplishments and relationships we gain and with those we build a legacy for our children to follow if they choose to.  Even if they don’t, they at least have that choice. With this job money is important but it is not the primary focus it’s just an added bonus. Even though this job may be stressful at times we understand how important it is to us just like a marriage.  It is a lifetime commitment and not just a trophy on the mantle. This job is not only part of our purpose but it is what we were born to do. I’m sure every man reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about because that burning desire sits in the heart of every man.

 

Now that you know a few reasons why men would prefer to get their career going in the right direction before making any fast decisions do you see the similarities? Most women have these same battles of the mind, but theirs are just focused in different areas and at an earlier time. It’s not saying that women or men are wrong. I’m more so saying that we experience life at different times and I feel that it’s important to respect those differences and help each other reach the final goal.

For all of the men that are wondering can you have both (a career and commitment) you absolutely can with a supportive woman and a plan. I think most women would understand why a career is so important to you if you just communicated that to them and also discussed your plans together. I’m sure she would be more than willing to help you reach the level you are attempting to accomplish but you must also consider what she wants and needs in your process of chasing your dreams or career. If you don’t want to include her or consider her feelings you probably aren’t ready for that commitment, but just know that it will be your loss.

 

  • One Man’s Voice
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Why Do Men Cheat?

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I know that every woman has asked themselves this question a time or two, or more. I know that every woman has thought to themselves about how they have given a guy their all and yet they still stepped out on them. Being a man, I have been asked this question so many times and every time I attempt to give an answer it seems that my point of view changes. See the truth is there is no 1 answer to give women when it comes to our mysterious ways of infidelity; however there are a handful of common reasons why we do what we do and some of these reasons you may be aware of and some you may not. So, it is my goal is to bring a little clarity to this situation because I think men take a lot of the blame which we should but in some rare cases….and I do mean rare, the blame has to be shared. So I want to point out these common reasons and give you a little background as to why men cheat, so if the next time you find yourself in a situation where you see any of these signs in your relationship you can either fix it or walk away.

 

  1. He is not really interested in you –This may sound simple and slightly cold hearted, but ladies….it’s the truth. See men, our hormones are always in high gear and in order to contain ourselves it takes some serious discipline and self-control. In order for us to have discipline, there has to be some interest there. If a man is not interested in you, he will always risk the relationship or your trust just to have a little fun and experience something new or better. So whether you believe it or not, being faithful is like a job but the more a man is invested emotionally and interested in a woman the easier that job is. I’m saying this from experience that as a man temptation happens every day. It’s nothing you can do to prevent it but be focused on what you want and need which is the person you are with. With men being physically driven by what we see our bodies create urges when we see things we like. Self-control is driven by what you want and don’t want and what I constantly remember is that I don’t want to hurt the woman I am with because that one mistake could cost me her forever. When you want and need a woman you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize having her in your life.

 

 

 

  1. Emotional Dissatisfaction– This reason may seem foreign to most women but 48% of men cheat for this reason alone. I partly blame this on men because men usually have a hard time expressing our emotions, but it’s still a woman’s’ duty to pay attention to her man. As hard as we are externally we are just as soft internally and we need love too. Men more than anything want to feel appreciated and of value to you. It’s important that you let him know you appreciate him and even though he is not perfect you appreciate everything he does for you. As cheesy as that sounds it he will make sure to return that favor to you and not pay any attention to any other woman that attempts to stroke his ego.

 

 

  1. Sexual Dissatisfaction– Now of course every woman thinks a man cheats because he is not satisfied sexually, but only 8% of men say that they cheat for this reason. Yes it plays a part but it is not the only reason men cheat. Sex is very important to us in many different ways. I think some women misunderstand what a man really wants in the bedroom. Men are very physically driven, the simplest things keeps us excited and interested but the smallest things can also push us to go find a replacement. Most men are sexually turned off by rejection more than anything not saying that you should give us sex whenever we want but I am also saying to make sure you say yes a lot more than you say no. Not being desired by a woman and rejection are two of the main reasons men are not sexually satisfied. Most men just want two simple things when it comes to sex and that’s for his woman to initiate sex and for her to want to have sex almost as much as him. When a woman initiates sex it’s a turn on to men and makes us feel desired. Now, we know that the woman won’t want to have sex every day but to keep us satisfied it has to be a fair amount of time…..once a week won’t cut it. Sorry ladies, I’m just telling you like it is. If you are with a man it is your responsibility to satisfy him and keep him happy. If you are not willing to, don’t get upset when he is unfaithful because in our society the popular response to unhappiness is finding a substitute.

 

  1. Maturity-Being faithful to any woman comes with maturity. Most men feel that before we get into any committed relationship we must explore all of our options and have fun while doing so. Am I suggesting that every man has to test the waters just to be faithful…? NO!!!! Do men use it as an excuse? Yes. It shouldn’t take dating multiple women to be faithful to one woman. It doesn’t even make sense but does it take maturity? Yes. When I speak of a man being mature I am referring to him knowing and understanding what he needs and wants as a man and what type of woman he needs and wants as well. You gain maturity through your experiences in life not through sleeping with women. A lot of men make the mistake by choosing a wife prematurely and then finds out that she is not the woman for him. So by him not understanding what he needs and wants he goes to find what he “think” he needs. This cycle has ruined the perception of men because we constantly make the same mistakes over and over without growing and maturing before committing.

 

  1. Take away his manhood-Now I’m going to try to keep this as simple as possible. I understand every woman wants to be independent, self –made, and not dependent on a man but I have to let you know that in a relationship it’s really not needed. Whether you are the bread winner or the more educated one in the relationship we need you to make sure we always feel like the man in the relationship. This is also a part on the emotional side of a man where we need our ego stroked. This does not make a man weak by any means. What I know from experience is the more you stroke his ego or make him feel like a man the more he will open up to you. Men are very secretive and keep things bottled up on the inside because we are afraid of what you will think of us. If we feel like the man when we are around you we will effortlessly open up because we are confident in what you think about us. So remember this the next time you are thinking of cursing your man out in public or talking down to him, you are leaving that opportunity for the next woman to come in and take your man. It is very easy to leave or purposely hurt a woman that you feel doesn’t care about you when you attack our manhood it’s just like saying I could care less about you. So please monitor your words and every chance you get, praise your man with your words and actions so that he is always at his best when he is with you. When he is at his best he is the man of your dreams because he is all about you and no one else.

 

Of course these reasons I’ve given are just a few and I’m sure there are many more to add to the list, but from a male’s perspective these reasons are the most common. So the true question is how do we change this? I believe the more we understand each other needs and wants, the stronger our relationships’ can be. It is very imperative that both parties commit completely to the relationship so that you won’t leave the door open for others to come in. Again I am not justifying men cheating because we need to take responsibility for the stereotypes that we have placed ourselves in and start to change the conversations. It is preventing the good men from finding good women because they are going into every relationship protecting themselves from getting hurt which I don’t blame them. All in all do what you can to prevent the cheating in the relationship by focusing on who you are with and not just yourself, and the rest takes care of itself.

 

-One Man’s Voice-

Are You Really a Ride or Die Chick??

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I know every lady that just read that title said Hell Yeah I am!  First, before I get too deep into this topic…. let’s ask this question: What is the true definition of a ride or die chick? I already know that every woman thinks they are, but I’m sorry to tell you every woman is not. For some reason women have their definition and men have theirs. Let’s just keep it 100, the term or phrase came from a man talking about his woman so how can a woman even determine if they are or not? You can only assume you are and hope that your man feels the same way. Only your man can tell you that you are a ride or die for him. I understand that all men are different and may have different outlooks on what a ride or die chick is but I’m sure I can add some true substance to the definition that will make majority of men reconsider their definition IF it differs. I’ll get into what I believe is the true definition of a ride or die, but first I want to touch on why women feel they are ride or die chicks and explain why it is false or misleading.

  1. Being Faithful to him- This is the most common reason I hear from women. I get it, being faithful is great but it doesn’t make you a ride or die chick. Just because you are faithful doesn’t mean he is happy with you. You could very well be lazy and do nothing but contribute unnecessary stress to the relationship. So before thinking that faithfulness makes you qualified make sure you are doing more than just that.
  2. Staying with Him after He has cheated or shown that he doesn’t mean well– Staying through his infidelity and staying while he shows you that he doesn’t care about you, that don’t make you a ride or die chick. He has made it very clear that he isn’t ready for what you want or better yet doesn’t want you, so just because you choose to stay and wait for that to change, don’t make you a ride or die.
  3. Being with Him for a long time- Being with him for a long time just means simply that you like being with him and you enjoy your relationship. Does it mean you are a ride or die? Not even close… Staying in a stagnant relationship only means that you are comfortable which can in some cases end bad. Trust me I understand nobody really likes starting over but you have to be willing to put the work in to keep your relationship strong and full of love.
  4. Carrying the load financially in the relationship- I am actually tired of hearing this one myself. Every relationship goes through ups and downs financially whether you are rich or broke. Just because you carry majority of the load now doesn’t mean that you always will. If he is a real man I’m pretty sure he will not allow that to continue for too long. Whether you carry the financial load now or later it doesn’t make you a ride or die chick or the MAN in the relationship. This only means that you are in a better financial position than he is at that time. If you have shared or even complained about it to anyone, these reasons automatically disqualify you as a ride or die chick. Sorry!!!!
  5. He went to jail and you are still there– Let me be clear here, being with someone that is in jail can be very difficult. My first question would be what did you do to prevent him from going to jail? If you knew he was committing crimes and you had any intentions on being with him, you would have started taking the necessary steps to encourage him to stop his illegal activity. If you didn’t know what he was doing or he stopped but it was too late and now he is in jail, what are you doing now to prevent him from going back? A very high percentage of criminals end up back in jail because they come back home to the same situation or even worse, which forces them to find a way to provide for their families. I understand it’s not all your fault but you play a part in this as well.

 

Even though these characteristics above are very positive traits to have in any relationship they are very small pieces to the puzzle. Now I know some may feel like you are doing these things with the right intentions or right practices but these single actions do not determine whether you are a ride or die chick or not.  As I stated earlier, the quote or term “Ride or Die “came from a man so I want to inform you of what that means to majority men.  At the end of the day, it is important that whether you feel like you are or not that the man thinks you are because that’s who you are ultimately trying to please and his mission should be the same.

A “Ride or Die Chick “, is a woman that is willing to ride and die with her man.  I know that sounds very cliché but it is true. A definition of ride that stuck out to me is to move along in any way; be carried or supported: Let’s compare this to a relationship.  When you are with a man you will experience different obstacles throughout your relationship but just like the definition says you move along in any way. In order to truly ride there must be love, commitment, and support.  A true ride or die can’t carry one of these traits without the other.  A true ride or die isn’t someone who can be committed to the relationship but never support or believe in her man. A true ride or die has to be all of the above…..lover, supporter, and loyal, because without it you cannot carry and support each other through any issues. Every man needs a woman but it’s your job to show him why he needs YOU…..Needs will always outlast wants just like they do in life.

Now, we all know what means to die but in this phrase it means that you die to yourself daily by going out of your way to be selfless with your man by letting him know you need him just as much as he does you. No man wants a selfish woman and vice versa.  Selfishness can’t exist in a relationship…PERIOD.  And if you are the selfish type, the type that makes everything about you, just remember that good ole saying…..What you won’t do for your man, another woman will.

So take a step back, look at yourself and think: What do I bring to this relationship? Could he get it anywhere else?  Would he be able to find another woman like me?  Now if you can confidently answer those questions and he can’t find anyone else out there like you, then you are doing your job.  And that makes you a Ride or Die Chick…..being the one that he wouldn’t be able to do anything in life without!

Faith: Trust the Process

Silhouette of hiking man jumping over the mountains

Faith is being sure we will get what we hope for, It is being sure of what we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 NLV) When I read this scripture it makes me think about all of the things that I have endured throughout my life. It makes me think about the times when all hope was lost and I feared what was to come, but my faith sustained me. We all find it hard to believe in the impossible, but we have to remember that with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Now, does that mean that bad things won’t happen? Does that mean that we won’t encounter times when our faith will be tested? NO!! It only means that God wants us to trust him and KNOW that he will never leave or forsake us and he always works all things for the greater good.(Romans 8:28). So with that being said, I’m here to tell you to Trust the Process. When you are worried about that job that you want, that interview you are about to walk into, that business that you want to start, that sickness that you need to overcome; Trust the Process. Don’t lose hope. God loves you and he has given us all a purpose to fulfill on this earth.

The hardest thing about faith is looking past the unknown or unseen. You know what you want but you don’t know how it’s going to pan out. It’s always that fear that seems to creep up on us and we begin to struggle with remaining positive and standing on our faith. We struggle to look past that fear because we just don’t know the outcome. We are afraid to fail, afraid to make the wrong choice, afraid that something will go wrong. But I’m here to tell you don’t allow fear to control your life because it will if you let it. We have the power and the ability to change the way we think by refocusing our minds on the good and not the bad. You know how people tell you to think about the positive and not the negative; that’s having faith. I know it’s easier said than done and I’ve said that to myself a few times but I’ve experienced where faith brought me through a lot of tough situations. When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with pneumonia and my condition was so bad that ¾ of my lungs was filled with fluid. I was in the hospital for almost two months. During those two months I refused to do what was necessary to get better because giving up just seemed easier. One visit my aunt came to see me and she had a talk with me and let me say it was everything I needed to hear. At that moment I realized that God heard me!!! God used her to help restore my faith so that I could fight for my life.

So I learned very early in life that I had to have faith and trust in the process. It didn’t stop me from encountering disappointment, heartbreak, failure, mistakes, etc. but it did bring me through all of those tough times.

But what I learned at 12 years old was that having faith and trusting in God’s Plan is not a solo mission. It is something we all have to do for each other. Your encouraging words, your prayers, your belief, and your support provides even a stranger the extra boost they need. I have faith that every financial situation, health problem, career disappointment or doubts you have is going to change for the better. So I challenge you to play your part daily in enhancing other’s faith because we all want everyone to succeed, reach those goals, overcome those fears, and those who need healing to be healed. Let’s all achieve and overcome the impossible! If you keep your eyes on him I’m sure we all will be at the finish line together sharing our great testimony about how God brought us through because we kept our faith and trusted the Process.

-OneMan’sVoice-

 

Women: Are you really that simple?

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Ok ladies, your favorite holiday of the year is coming up and I’ve seen your posts, retweets, reposts, memes, and hashtags about how all you want for Valentine’s Day is quality time with your man etc. Well about a week ago I read “7 things We Really Want On Valentine’s Day”(Click on the title to read) written by a great blogger Patrice Robinson and she made a lot of great points about how men could step their game up for Valentine’s Day by giving more of themselves and not the typical gifts. While reading this blog I couldn’t help but wonder: are women really that simple? When I thought about it, of course the obvious answer was no. Now, let me be clear, I know there are a lot of women who would appreciate these acts of love instead of actual gifts and would be the happiest woman on earth. However, there are others who would accept these acts of love then turn around and give you the side eye and say “So you didn’t buy me anything?” Also, let’s not forget about the women who don’t appreciate gifts of love because they measure your love by the amount of money you spend. Not to mention that Valentine’s Day is not the only day that us as men are succumb to pressure in spending a ridiculous amount of money just to make sure we don’t get cursed out or blasted on social media for what we didn’t buy. We also have Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas and Anniversaries that these same obligations are required. I’ m sure that most, if not all men, feel this way because I have spoken with many men that have actually tried to step out of their comfort zone and be creative by showing their love through gestures and not through expensive gifts. I haven’t heard many stories where their creativeness versus a gift didn’t backfire on them. As a man I just want to let women know that buying you an expensive gift is easy and doesn’t really require much effort nor does it prove a man’s love for you. Trust me I get it, I‘m sure every woman is reading this saying that they deserve expensive gifts, they have standards, and they deserved to be wined and dined, but does any of that really prove your man loves you? No, it just means he is either: one, being thoughtful or two, just trying to keep you quiet. So while women claim they just want that quality time, deep down you really want it all and that’s quality time plus the gifts. Wanting it all brings me back to my point which is are women that simple? Women aren’t that simple because……..

 

  1. Women live in a fantasy world- Living in a fantasy world is not necessarily a bad thing because I feel that everyone should have dreams. In a relationship it can become very difficult at times to decipher fantasies from realities. Women look at TV and social media and they begin to place those expectations on their man. You just saw what you felt was the greatest proposal on earth watching your weekly run of Love and Hip Hop and now that’s how you want to get proposed to. Where’s the authenticity? You should more so want what no other woman has or has had.
  2. Every woman views love differently- I think this one disturbs me the most because a lot of women haven’t experienced true love so they create in their mind what love is or better yet what society tells them it is. Gifts are meant to be an expression of love. They are not meant to be things that you can’t buy for yourself so, you would rather someone else buy it and that is how you define his love for you.
  3. Women sometimes focus on what they want instead of what they need– Some women start thinking or making their wish list about what they want for Valentine’s Day right after Christmas. They forget that more than anything they need love expressed to them daily not necessarily with gifts but with the man giving his time, undivided attention, effort, and honesty just as Patrice mentioned in her blog.
  4. Women view others relationships and think that’s what they want- Everybody’s relationship is different and that is something that will never change. It’s not always a good thing to look at someone else’s relationship and feel that “I want what you have” not knowing what’s really going on in their relationship unless they’ve shared it with you. Just because a man buys his woman front row tickets to see Beyoncé’ doesn’t mean he is in Formation! He may have bought one woman tickets and bought his next one those new red bottoms to wear to the same concert. So ladies, be careful of what you wish for because social media can be very deceiving.

 

All in all, I don’t think women mean any harm but I feel that our society has trained women to think a certain way by requiring things that don’t really sustain our relationships. I’m sure all men have dealt with some of these issues if not all. I just want to make sure we all understand that being in love has nothing to do with gifts, they are only added bonuses. I know we have all heard of the many stories of women being showered with gifts and getting everything they could ever want and desire but then their man is cheating on them or physically abusing them and the woman deals with it because she is being wined and dined. When a man gives you his entire mind, body, and soul there is no monetary gift that could even compete with that. Put yourself in a man’s shoes: in the beginning of the relationship he buys you a gift that’s $100 for Valentine’s Day. The next year he spends $300 and the year after that $500. On those days you were so happy because of the gifts you received showing them off on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. You even gave him a special shout out saying how good your man is to you and how much you love him. Now you’re on the fourth year of the relationship and some things have come up and your man is financially limited so he can’t get you that Louis bag you’ve been eyeing for the past month. So he tries to come up with small romantic gestures to show how much he loves you, replacing your high price bag. Instead of appreciating his small gestures and efforts you are disappointed because for the past three years you’ve received these great gifts and this time you didn’t. Imagine the frustration and anxiety that any man would feel. Is this what our society really considers love? Yes it is. We live in a world where everybody wants to show and tell instead of act and prove. For all of those that know about the five love languages, yes receiving gifts is a love language but it doesn’t say anything about the cost of the gifts. So ladies, I’m here to tell you from a man’s perspective that we need you to be simpler. So let’s take what Patrice has said and capture the true meaning of Valentine’s Day which is Love, not expensive gifts.

 -1MansVoice

The 9 Questions You Should Ask Yourself before Proposing

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Every time I’m in a room full of men I always get the question how did you know you were ready? Or how is the married life? Usually after that I hear “I think she is the one but I don’t know if I’m ready”. So I want to help every man out as much as I can and help you all reach a clear decision on whether you should propose or not.

Believe it or not a lot of women are not who they say they are. Women have become professional maskers of their true selves until they get a ring on their finger. I want to make sure you don’t have any problems seeing through any altered characteristics that they portray to reel you in. So here are some questions that you should ask yourself to help you determine if you are TRULY ready for marriage or if she is the ONE………..

 

  1. Do I really know this person? – Like I said earlier women have learned to put on these masks that cover who they really are. I mean let’s be honest fellas, we do the same thing by doing whatever it takes to impress the girl and eventually lock her down. I feel once you both have moved past the preliminary phase of dates you should begin to see who the woman truly is. I will be the first to admit that most of the time we become blinded by the booty, the face, the breast, the lips, and hips. For this reason we need to snap out of it ASAP. Every woman’s goal is to be married and some will go further than others to do so. So evaluate her authenticity in the relationship to make sure she is with you for the right reasons because once you say I DO, there’s no turning back.
  2. Are you both on the same page spiritually? As much as we try to avoid this we need to pay very close attention to it for many reasons. We are talking about marriage which was instituted by God, so you cannot be successful in marriage without God. Being on the same page simply means one can’t have a relationship with God and the other doesn’t or one goes to church and the other doesn’t. In order to even begin to build a relationship that will one day blossom into a marriage there must be some kind of foundation spiritually with both parties not just one. To further understand, go research what it means to be equally yoked and you’ll really get the picture.
  3. Have you discussed your expectations for each other? Now this right here is very important for both parties because a lot of times we forget that being in a relationship and being married can be very different for a lot of people. Discussing the details of what you think being married is can make or break your relationship. If it doesn’t, then you should suggest to your woman what you need and want from her in a marriage. It is best to be very specific when describing what your expectations are for her as you wife because trust me you don’t want to wake up one morning to a person you really can’t see yourself being with for the rest of your life.
  4. Have you both discussed your future plans together? Future plans together meaning not only your plans as a couple but also as individuals because it is very important to know what the ultimate goal is for the marriage and for both parties individually. Once these things are discussed it should be added to the goal for the marriage because what is the point of being married if your spouse can’t help push you towards achieving your individual goals. I’m sorry, if she is not doing that then she has no purpose in your life because through every man’s goal they should find their purpose and a man without a purpose is a dead man walking.
  5. Do you know and understand each other’s family background? As men we tend to put this one on the backburner when it comes to meeting and getting to know the family. Hell sometimes we do it at the end or right before the wedding. I totally disagree with this!!!! One thing I have learned from a lot of my previous relationships is that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Meeting the family and getting to know them is part of knowing your mate. How they were raised, their parents’ background, siblings’ background, and patterns that can all affect your marriage or even future children in a positive or negative way. I would rather you know upfront so you can choose rather you want to deal with these issues for the rest of your life or not. Even if you choose to, make sure that your mate is willing to look in the mirror and admit whatever those faults are if any, so that you both can work through those things together.
  6. Are you prepared to mentally be with one woman for the rest of your life? – Guys please make sure that you have gotten all of the curiosity about being with multiple women out of your system. That EX that you may still text and check on from time to time…..yep, close that door! You shouldn’t even be thinking about getting married to this woman with dirty laundry still lingering around. You don’t want to put yourself in a position that will cause you to cheat. I understand that looking forward to being with one woman for the rest of your life may be scary and even a little boring to a person on the outside looking in, but if she is the woman for you once you choose her, she will be everything you need and want.
  7. Do you or she have any secrets that you haven’t discussed? – Secrets can be deal breakers for a lot of people. Who wants to even be with anyone you can’t open your heart and mind to. It is very important that you share your innermost secrets with your mate especially if she is soon to be your wife. Telling all of your secrets just means you are invested into the relationship, which every man should be if you are in love. Many secrets have ruined many marriages and relationships because they didn’t feel it was relevant at the time but if that thought crossed your mind you probably should go ahead and tell her. Save yourself the headaches and fussing just by being honest at all times because it will definitely help build a great foundation towards the future.
  8. Is she 100% vested in you? – Now I know this is hard to determine early in the relationship but it is very important that you not be blinded in lust and find out quickly if she is truly there for you.  When you say those vows you’re vowing to love in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer….you get the picture. So the thing is does she have what it takes to carry out those tasks. This needs to be the woman who you know will be by your side when things are going good and when things are going bad. When you sick she should be by your side, ready and willing to take care of you.   Sacrifice and selfless acts are two of the most important ingredients to true love. Selfishness and love cannot exist in the same relationship. Your mate must show you how much she will sacrifice for you and how she will always put you before herself as you would her.
  9. WHY? – Now out of all these questions that you would ask yourself, this is the most important one. Why? Why do you feel you are ready and why do you feel she is the one? Honestly right here is where you have to question your own motive. I know I talked about women wearing these masks and doing whatever it takes to get the ring, but as men we have to question our own motives too. There shouldn’t be any secrets or hidden agendas tied to marriage. Your answer should be genuine and from your heart. Your wife to be should be the woman you cannot live without. Let me put it to you this way, as a man you shouldn’t be getting married because she is pregnant, her family has money, she moved on and you want to get her back, etc. I’m sure you get the point. Don’t let it be due to pressure as well. You know women have their goals and timelines set. They are ahead of us when it comes to that and marriage is always one of those things on their timelines. Pressure comes from all different angels, your girl, her parents, sometimes your friends and normally it’s because the relationship has gotten lengthy but don’t let that be the reason. I’m not saying take all your life to decide to get married just make sure you’re making the right decision because you don’t want to be on anyone else’s deadline.

 

 I know most men are reading and thinking this is a lot to consider but it is very essential when you are about to propose to a woman. This woman has to be worthy of you and worth a lifetime of commitment. All of these points are to make sure that you don’t settle and make a mistake that you would have to deal with for the rest of your life. Your future wife should be just like finding your dream job. Your dream job is gratifying and more of an accomplishment than a burden. Your mate shouldn’t be like the 9-5 job that pays well but you hate it and have to continue to work there because you need the money to pay the bills. To be even more direct every man knows that when you are not doing something that you love doing you will always be unsatisfied and looking for a way to get into the field that you are most passionate about. Treat choosing your wife the same way you do that dream job so you can be certain that you will only have to get down on that knee one time.

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Throughout all my stages of life, I have heard different women ask where the good men are as if we are an endangered species or something. Let’s just say that good men are at risk of becoming extinct, but the question to the women would be why? Let’s even look at it from another perspective, does the world praise and promote good men? No! Do good men even get a chance to show you that they are a good man? No! Just like all the other men they have been stereotyped before they can even get a chance to do or prove otherwise. Then it becomes easy to do what women think you are going to do anyway. Just like any other person, we as men get tired of fighting just to be who we are. Yes, we hold majority of the responsibility for these stereotypes that have been placed upon us, but we are not the only reason. Every human being makes mistakes and they shouldn’t be judged a lifetime for those mistakes. Now, let me ask a few questions here: do women cheat, do women abandon their children, do they lie to men, do they sleep with multiple men, do they mature slowly sometimes, do they run from commitment? Let me answer these questions for you……Yes! Men do these things more frequently than women by statistics, but that doesn’t give women a reason to say there aren’t any good men. It seems like all my life I have heard some of the CRAZIEST reasons from women as to why a certain male isn’t good enough for them or even worth giving them a chance…..yet they complain that good men don’t exist. Some excuses are valid but others are just ridiculous and not thought out. Here are five examples of the most used excuses given by women as to why a man isn’t good enough for them, yet complain that there are no good men:

 

He is not My Type– Most women have a type that is very specific by detail such as physical appearance and style. What I have learned about judging based on type is that as you get older your type starts to change. I have seen women marry the man of their dreams but they didn’t fit their initial “type” that they once had set in their mind. It takes many years for you to notice that the man you need is not in the physical body/appearance that you desired. Why not open your mind and options earlier so you won’t have to go through struggles of finding a good man or better yet letting a good man pass you by. They say don’t judge a book by its cover, so………….yeah I’ll just leave that there and move on to my next point.

 

He is Too Nice– I can understand how no woman wants a Mr. Nice Guy. However, why are nice men portrayed as a weak man, which in my opinion is not true. No man should be a push-over, but you definitely want a man who treats you nice without taking advantage of you.

 

He is my “Friend not Anyone I Would Date”- I think in all relationships, friendships should be the foundation. So why not at least consider dating this man? In most relationships, problems stem from communication issues. What person do you communicate with the best? Your friend!

He is not On My Level– We all know that most women are very aware of who they want to be and what their goals are at an early age. Most men are late to that party! We have improved but we are still behind women in that race. This is one of the many reasons we need women, we need you to help us reach our true potential. Just because he is not on your level now doesn’t mean he will never be on your level or even possibly pass you up one day.

He Has Kids– Is this really a bad thing? If a man takes care of his kids and is very involved in their life, you get to see firsthand what type of father he is without having a child with him. Imagine how many women wish they knew what type of father their boyfriend/husband would be before they decided to bare their child. I’m sure it would prevent a lot of dead beat dads from having so many kids.

 

So as you can see ladies, the problem here isn’t that there aren’t any good men it’s more so that the women today don’t want a good man or better yet don’t know what a good man is. For most women the first image you have of a good man would be your father….that’s the standard of a man that a woman sees. He is not perfect but he treats her like a queen and loves her unconditionally. For some women, fathers aren’t present so they have no representation at all as to what a good man is. But what I do find common in this situation when it comes to women wanting a good man is women are emotionally driven and let’s be honest ladies when you have your mind made up about something that you want that’s it and you don’t look pass how you feel. However, one thing about feelings when it comes to making decisions, those feelings can play into a good or bad decision. How you feel doesn’t determine if the man is a good man or not. Sometimes how you feel can cloud your judgement and deter you from making the right decision(s). As a man, I want to help you look pass the bull…..because I believe that every good man shares certain qualities so I’m about to throw a few things out there to show you that you probably at one point have found a good man and let him pass you up:

  1. A good man is always looking for ways to grow and improve– Growth and improvement should be a man’s main concern. He knows he isn’t perfect but he is striving for perfection and is not afraid to look in the mirror and admit his faults.
  2. A good man has a relationship with God– Every man needs a guide throughout all the walks of life and God is the only one who can guide the way that man should go. Through his guidance you can assure that he will understand how he should treat you as a girlfriend or future wife.
  3. A good man knows how to listen– A good man is not so prideful that he feels like you can’t tell him anything. He understands that you see things differently so your opinion should always be considered. In order to truly learn you as a woman, he has to listen to you.
  4. A good man treats his woman like a queen– A good man understands your value and makes you feel secure and safe by the way he respects and honors you.
  5. A good man is not afraid of commitment– He’s not trying to just date you and waste your time. His intentions should be for him to see you as a potential lifetime partner and value his commitment to you as if he would in a marriage because marriage should be the ultimate goal not just for you but for him as well.
  6. A good man lives with a purpose– A good man knows that he is alive for a reason so he uses his career goals and aspirations to find that purpose by living as an example of what a man should be.
  7. A good man respects you for who you are, not what you have on-Ladies, some of the attire you wear is flattering trust me, but that’s not really what men want in a mate. Yes you have your Nicki Manij’s and Kim Kardashian’s who have nice bodies and don’t mind showing them off, but a good man doesn’t want his woman dressing like that. Respect is at the top of his list whether you choose to respect yourself or not. He should always encourage you to respect yourself by promoting and praising you even when you don’t.
  8. A good man wants to know you inside and out– A good man’s main focus is studying you inside and out, because if he knows you he will never have an issue keeping you happy in a relationship or even in a marriage.
  9. A good man is honest– He will always tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts you because he expects the same from you. No relationship can be successful with a liar, so if you meet a man who lies or fabricates the truth…..run for the hills because nothing good is going to come from that!
  10. A good man makes sure he is always looking out for both parties not just himself– A good man is not selfish. He is always considerate of others and shows that with his selfless acts. This is important because in a marriage the man will be put in different positions and situations where he has to sacrifice himself and things he wants for his family.

 

Now I know that what a good man is to one woman may be different from the next because it’s what’s important to that individual. Hopefully this helps look over the liars, cheaters, manipulators, and users. I’m sure you will still run into some because some people are just stepping stones. Sometimes you have to go through a bad situation to appreciate a good one. Or as some may say “Some people are in your life for a reason and some for a season.” Ladies don’t give up on us though; there are still a lot of good men out here. Just make sure you’re not overlooking them for selfish fantasy driven reasons. 😉